Coming up next on “Red Sox Real Married Couples,” there’ll be laughs aplenty as John Henry and his young bride meet with a robot fertility clinician! Right after this word from the Whiskey-Crazed Fisherman!

Damn, Boof. You see that NESN reporter?

Indeed. That reporter’s been raising the Boof-O-Meter for weeks now.

I may have to get with that. You know, maybe take advantage of the “new guy” special.

I concur. And would also like to get silly busy with said reporter. Really work the twin loaves, if you get what I’m saying, which you may not because it’s an obscure breadmaking reference.

You guys gotta be kidding me. Falling into the venus flytrap. Lemme just set you straight: Stay the f#$k away from Heidi.


Listen, man. Tek went there and he was never the same. And I don’t mean that in a good way. Slumps, depression, alimony. Just a downward spiral.

Yeah, but–

No, listen! After that she got with Nick Green. Next thing you know, the poor bastard’s on the mound, pitching in an actual baseball game! Which would have been fine if he was a pitcher. But he wasn’t! Messed him all up.


She’s like plutonium, man. Just keep your hands off. Trust me.

But we weren’t talking about her. We were talking about that other NESN reporter.

::Points to the other side of the field::

So I notice you haven’t returned my calls.

Look, Dustin, I’ve told you this before. I want to keep things professional between me and the players. I don’t mind the occasional dinner or after-hours beer. But there’s a fine line and I’m not inclined to ever cross it.

But we had a good time last Saturday, right?

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. I honestly thought it was a little weird, Dustin. You told me you needed a ride to the team dinner and I came to pick you up and you answered the door in nothing but a jockstrap and a stovepipe hat, then told me that we could either go out for pizza or “stay in for trousersteak.”

That was bad?

It was very odd. So I just think we need to maintain that professionalism, as I mentioned.

Will I see you again?

I’ll be here all season, stretch. But I won’t be coming by to pick you up at your place ever, ever, ever again.


::Saunters back to the dugout.::

Dumped by Gammo, huh?

I don’t wanna talk about it.

Better players have tried and failed, my friend. I… I still have the skidmarks on my heart.

It’s just so sad, boss.

Suck it up, junior. Keep your focus where it belongs. And don’t let this bother you. It takes a certain kinda guy to conquer that mountain. Or so I’ve been told…

::Later that night::

More meat and beer, Mark?

Hells yes!