arm barn

The folks at PETA who are all about the ethical treatment of animals are asking Major League Baseball to replace the animal-unfriendly name “bullpen” with the less insensitive “arm barn” (which, I will admit, I first read as “arm bran”).

It’s a noble thought, but I figure it’s just the start of a lot of other changes we could make to jazz up some of the most common (and tired) names we have for the parts of a ballpark.

For example, if bullpen = arm barn, maybe…

Mound = Mt. Throwy-Throw
Hot Dog Vendor = Meats Broker
Dugout = Pal Cabin
First Base Coach = Pace Advisor
Scoreboard = NUMBER PARTY
Umpire = Ball Watcher
Ticket Window = Second Mortgage Depot
The Wave = The Summoning of Idiocy
Overserved Guy Who Pukes on Me During the 7th Inning Stretch = That Rascal

The more I read these the more I like them.