Clearly, The Man doesn’t like baseball. If The Man did, he would have realized that today, the first of two games against the Rays begins at 1:05pm, which is standard business hours here on the east coast, and just told everyone to stay home.
Unfortunately, he didn’t. And because I enjoy knowing I’ll have at least one meal a day, I am a slave to The Man. And you probably are, too. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try your best to avoid all work-related commitments today and get your ass to the ballpark or nearest pub to soak in the fun.
The following tips aren’t new — it’s recycled post, folks, because The Man won’t give me the time to write a fresh one — but they are proven effective. Which means Denton’s tried ’em at least once.
The “Webinar”: Here’s a little corporate secret: No one really knows what webinars are. But man, does it sound impressive when you can rattle off such sentiments as, “Carl and I have got one hundred clients lined up for next week’s webinar.” Start off your morning tactical meeting by announcing that you’ve gotten “the call” to moderate a quick “webinar” to assist several client contacts with “the roll out.” [You don’t need to specify exactly what it is you’re “rolling out.” The phrase “roll out” is so powerful in and of itself that any would-be naysayers will instantly be silenced and, even better, reduced to feelings of inadequacy, especially if they themselves have nothing to roll out.] At 1:00pm put a sticky note on your door with the words “Webinar in Progress.” People will steer clear, enabling you to turn on EEI, remove your pants, and enjoy the game.
The “You Buy, I’ll Fly”: This is a good one. Tell your co-workers that you’re willing to drive to Dunks to hook them up with some much-needed afternoon caffeine. They just have to pony up the cash to make up for the $25.00 in gasoline you’ll burn through. Collect their monies. Head to the local tavern. Watch several innings. Order multiple beers. Brag loudly to the guy next to you that you’ve got “a fiver” on Peavy going eight. Return to the office hours later. When people ask about the coffee, become defensive, and mention how your all-bran diet has pushed you to the brink of homicide. When the police arrive, refer to each of them as “Ponch” and keep one hand over your genitals at all times.
The “I’ve Got Something Important to Mail”: If you carry a pocketbook or briefcase into the office, then you’re gonna have to carry it out with you when you try to make your break — a dead giveaway that you’re “done for the day.” Sure, you could leave your briefcase in the office all weekend, but then someone might discover that it’s nothing but an oversized tote for snacks and pornography. So here’s the workaround: take a stroll down to shipping and tell Carl and Hank that you need a box “big enough to hold a briefcase or two human torsos.” Slip your briefcase into the box, then sashay your work-shirkin’ ass right out the door, confident that anyone who sees you figures you’re just heading to the mailroom or the post office or wherever the fuck people carrying big-ass boxes go.
The “Brutal Honesty”: Stand up in the middle of your 1:00 meeting and declare, “I’m sorry, but what’s going on right now at Fenway Park is infinitely more important than anything you oafs will conjure over the next two hours.” Get up, walk out the door, head home, and enjoy the game. After all, who’s gonna bring you more pleasure over the long haul: your boss or the Remdog? You got that right, whitey.