Cashman: Well, it’s all over the news.
Headwarmer: Tell one of the biggest douches in baseball to “shut the f$%k up” and that’s gonna happen.
Cashman: But we both know it wasn’t me who said it.
Headwarmer: Sorry.
Cashman: All well and good, but I thought we had a deal. I let you advise me on team matters and you keep the fact that you can talk a secret.
Headwarmer: I couldn’t help myself. I was like Caesar in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes watching those gorillas get whacked by the cops. There’s only so much A-Rod douchiness I can take. And speaking of douchiness, might I remind you who was wearing a headwarmer on a 95 degree day in New York City?
Cashman: Regardless. You had all the fun, but I’m the one who has to apologize.
Headwarmer [spits out cigarette]: Apologize? To that f$%kstick? Don’t you dare.
Cashman: I’ve got no choice, Headwarmer. We’re not losing that contract anytime soon. Ongoing tension between the front office and our highest paid player will only make things awkward.
Headwarmer: Awkward? This ain’t like the time you got caught tugging your jayjay near the Thurman Munson plaque. By finally telling that preening freak what you’ve been dying to tell him for years, I’ve made you a goddam hero to GMs everywhere. Don’t f$%k it up by going full nancy.
Cashman: Just wish you showed more restraint.
Headwarmer: Are you kidding? I’m a talking headwarmer for christ’s sake. I ain’t got no central nervous system to rein me in. Plus, I was drunk and I hate that douche. Let’s just move on.
Cashman: I’m gonna override you on this one. I’ve got to make amends.
Headwarmer: Don’t you cross that line, motherf#$ker. You pick a fight with me, you’re picking a fight with cotton products everywhere. Including the briefs that cover your worthless nuts, might I add.
Cashman: Are… are you serious?
Headwarmer: As a heart attack. Cotton’s a brotherhood, Turkey Tits. Or must I remind you of the time the Widow Steinbrenner invited you to her country club?
Cashman: I don’t want to tell you what I had to do to make amends for that. But let’s just say I had to bathe myself in Clorox for three days afterward.
Headwarmer: Then you certainly don’t want any part of this feud. Forget all this silly “apology” talk and fetch me a new cigarette.
Cashman: Also, are puppets even made of cotton?
Headwarmer: You’re talking to a smoking headwarmer. I think the Suspension of Disbelief train is long, long gone.
