Time for a quick game of GTA?

Dude. I’m packing for the All-Star Game. Please respect the sanctity and emotion that surrounds this task.

::looks through his suitcase:: This is full of smoked meats.

I was once young and naive like you, Jacoby. Then I realized that meat is the nectar of All-Stars. All that protein and creatine helps drive my All-Star calibre of play.

So that’s a “no”?

Damn straight. Brother, I am taking my game to the world’s biggest stage and when one plays among the giants, it’s important for him to look as if he belongs there.


::doorbell rings:: I’ll get that. Probably my limo. Or the paparazzi.


Mark Bellhorn, St. Lukes alumnus and cult hero of the 2004 Sox? What are you doing here?

I told him he could bunk out while you’re gone.


Heck, you’re not gonna be here. I figgered another not-so-tall Red Sox second baseman could fill the void while you’re off with the All-Stars.

Well, I mean… I’m just in New York.

What’s in the suitcase, Mark?

Quite a treasure trove, my friend. Every episode of South Park and Family Guy on DVD. Also, some old Planet of the Apes films on reel-to-reel, and, as promised, ten hours of personal home video footage shot by the 2004 team members, including that bit where Curt Leskanic tries to sneak out of debtor’s prison disguised as a French woman.

Freakin’ awesome.

I’m only four hours away, really. I mean… I could swing back after media day, and…

Also, as you know, I’ve also been dabbling in the culinary arts. I’ve prepared a menu befitting a couple hard-drinking, fun-loving professional baseball players. Tonight, it’s classic beef tenderloin with Bearnaise, served by my friends, the hookers!

Hey dudes.

::The Next Day::

The f#$k is Pedroia? That little weasel better not let me down.

I didn’t see him on the train, sarge.

::Back home::

So I figured they have an All-Star Game every year. But dinner with my favorite roomie, Mark Bellhorn and a coupla hookers? That’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

More steak, Dustin?

Just keep it coming until my arteries explode.

You’ve outdone yourself, again, Mark.

Save room for dessert. I’m making spoon bread.

Getting back to my story. The toughest part of my disguise was fashioning crude fake breasts out of an old catcher’s mitt…