David Ortiz_Red Sox

No need to beat around the bush here. Let’s just call last night’s gut-wrenching, 2-1 loss to the Twins what is was: the single worst Red Sox loss of the season. Because any time a $215M juggernaut cannot take down the league punching bag, owners of the worst record in the AL and second worst record in all of baseball, it’s a shit day.

Compounding that, you look at the circumstances under which we lost that game. Down 2-1 in the ninth, we were able to load the bases with nobody out and David Ortiz stepping to the plate. Roughly 99% of the time, you simply put that down as a win, cancel play immediately, and just let everyone go home. Not worth putting the other team through the embarrassment. But somehow last night, the stars didn’t align properly, and Ortiz grounded miserably into a double play. That brought up Hanley Ramirez with the bases loaded and Hanley, having clearly exhausted his supply of magic after a three home-run showing Wednesday night, popped out to end it.

Clearly, the Ortiz at bat sunk the ship. When you’re the designated hitter, all we need you to do is club us to victory any which way you can. Last night, the Large Father failed us, and spectacularly, in that his weak grounder cost us two outs. And while optimists will say, “At least Eduardo Rodriguez gave us a not-so-horrible start,” the pessimists might point to the fact that against the AL’s worst team, E-Rod lasted only 5.1 innings. Victim of a quick hook, perhaps. But when you can’t instill confidence in your manager against the second worst team in baseball, that pretty much says it all. Is even allowing two runs against the Twins acceptable baseball behavior? Some may say it isn’t. I know me and my morning beers don’t think so.

Going into this series, we were calling for a Red Sox sweep. Because if there’s any team you need to sweep — say it with me now — it’s the worst team in the league. We still have a chance to go 3-1, but that’s like winning first prize at the ugly baby contest. We know we’re better than that. We needed that sweep, man. And not getting it has really fucked up my otherwise enjoyable and prostitute-filled weekend.

Look, I know that the Twins are “professional ball players” and that to “discount” them is to “succumb” to the sort of “blind pride” that “dooms” “teams.” But, goddam it, if the Red Sox are serious about hauling their collective arses into the postseason, these are teams upon which they need to be unleashing unmerciful torrents of beatdown. This is the baseball food chain, people, and I need to see Ortiz stuffing Brandon Kintzler into an oversized sub roll.

Oh and if the Twins beat David Price today, just start the goddam fire sale now.