Lovers of beer-slamming guys with insane facial hair rejoice: the Red Sox have signed Mike Napoli — AKA He Whose Beard is Hand-Crafted From the Finest Children’s Nightmares — to a two-year, $32M deal. Which should buy a lot of shirts that will never get worn.

Word is that Nap turned down a heftier sack of cash from the Rangers (about $30M for three years) for the chance to come back to Boston, where he is like everybody’s insane hillbilly cousin who shotguns Bud Lights and hits motherf#$king bombs in the postseason. That’s a stand-up move.

It’s common knowledge that Napoli The Character was every bit as important as Napoli The Player to our 2013 success. I’m glad we’ll get to see more of that hairy bastard in 2014.