The latest entry in the long-running series in which Brian Cashman discusses the current state of the New York Yankees. With his headwarmer.
Cashman: Alright, Headwarmer. We’re heading outside.
Headwarmer: Motherf$%ker. I was right in the middle of the “reincarnated as Kate Beckinsdale’s yoga pants” dream.
Cashman: This is better. Check it.
Headwarmer: Why is Joba Chamberlain posing with the janitor?
Cashman: Janitor? That’s Kevin Youkilis! Signed, sealed and delivered, right out from under the Red Sox’ noses.
Headwarmer: This is how you pretty up last year’s ALCS flushing? I think the janitor has a higher OPS.
Cashman: There’s a method to my madness, Headwarmer.
Headwarmer: Since you were also kicking the tires on Pierzynski should we assume it’s assembling The Justice League of Insufferable Asshats? And if we’re gonna be outside, can I at least have a motherf$%king smoke?
Cashman: ::lights a cigarette and passes it up:: You’re not bringing me down, Headwarmer. This is a coup. A major coup.
Headwarmer: Don’t we already have a shitty third baseman?
Cashman: This is our security provision. Who knows when A-Rod will be back at capacity? With Youk, we’ve got a gritty, hard-nosed guy whose very appearance in pinstripes will be a mortal blow to the Red Sox. This is a game changer, Headwarmer. Probably our best former Red Sox steal since Clemens.
Headwarmer: Or Mike Myers? Or Alan Embree? Or Derek Lowe? or Mark Bellhorn?
Cashman: Wait… did we really sign Bellhorn?
Headwarmer: Can we just finish up so I can get back to my dream, Turkey Tits?
Cashman: Right. You are looking at the photo for the New York Yankees’ 2012 holiday card. Joba and Youk. Together.
Headwarmer: Okay…
Cashman: Everyone’s talking about this “bad blood” between Joba and Youk. This card will set ’em straight. Show the world that once you don the stripes, you’re family. ::Turns to photographer:: Let’s try a few with Youk on Joba’s lap.
Headwarmer: I may be mere cotton and spandex, but any chance you’re overestimating how this ranks on the “give a shit” meter? Boston dumped Youk’s under-performing ass last year.
Cashman: Are you kidding me? This is a former Red Sox player going to the Yankees. That’s worth four solid weeks of sports radio content. And we’re not just signing a player, we’re sending a message. To all the Boston talent. “If you’re tired of playing in that den of chaos and instability and backstabbing, you can come find paradise in our clubhouse.”
Headwarmer: Paradise? You realize you’re talking about a place where Nick Swisher walks around naked?
Cashman: Whatever. The bottom line is that things are gonna be great. Even Johnny Damon says so.
Headwarmer: And with that, I think I see a clear winner.
Cashman: In the battle for the AL East?
Headwarmer: No, in the eternal struggle between your brain and your pecker for the most worthless organ on your body. Just be sure to take me off before the fans go all Wicker Man on your ass for fielding this team of has-beens.
Cashman: Whatever. ::Turns to Youk and Joba:: Now how ’bout we kick this up a notch with a couple shots of you guys wrestling playfully in the Santa hats. And no shirts.
