brock holt

Look Red Sox, I’m just a guy with a blog and a puppet, but I’ve followed your team for a long-ass time, most often while intoxicated, and I feel this somehow qualifies me to have a say in your business dealings. And, guess what, I have another great idea.

We’re all happy to see baseball back. The crack of the bat, the lazy afternoon fly balls, the inevitable tearing of Chris Sale’s ass muscles: these are things by which, as James Earl Jones pointed out, we mark the time. But this year’s gonna feel a bit different. We (and by “we” I mean “me”) are still repairing wall damage inspired by the Red Sox’ bed-shitting in the final games of the 2021 ALCS. We just got news that our ace will be out a good 60 days. And we’re entering the unchartered territory of life in the Post-Remy Era — something that I don’t think any of us are truly prepared for.

So what does this mean? Well, quite frankly it means the fans are gonna need an overdose of happiness to get us through the season. And there’s only one way to deliver: Bring back Brock Holt.

Brock may not have been the flashiest player we ever had. But he was most certainly the best player named Brock Holt to ever wear a Red Sox uniform and that’s an undeniable fact. Also: he brought some serious intangibles. The hair. The smile. The absolute joy with which he seemed to embrace every role he was given on this team, from utility infielder to outfielder to emergency pitcher. Plus, it has been scientifically proven that you can’t watch Brock Holt having a good time and not have a good time yourself. Just look at this video and tell me otherwise:

Let’s not forget the man is a tireless supporter of and cheerleader for his teammates. Just the kind of sugar you want in your clubhouse:

And please let us never forget the work the man did — and continues to do — for the Jimmy Fund.

The easy argument is “where would we play him?” To that I say, “When it’s Brock Holt, you find a way.” Sooner or later, someone’s gonna get injured or called away to fight alien invaders on their home planet. That’s when “Operation Brock” goes into play and you look like geniuses. To be honest, I could care less if the man ever actually plays for us. I just want him on that bench, in that dugout, serving as the all important glue that holds the team together.

Look here, Brock helped us bring home a World Series trophy in 2018. Now he’s been cut by the defending world champs. See the connection? I sure don’t, but I know one thing to be true: Bringing back Brock Holt would make me inestimably happy. Therefore, you should do it.