So MLB has decided to investigate the Boston Red Sox for alleged cheating during their epic 2018 run. To that I say, “what in the hell took you so long?” The Red Sox have a gloriously deep history of leveraging technology, witchcraft and splendiferous costumes to achieve their goals. As a semi-important blogger (as confirmed by my mother and at least three of her friends), I, of course, have access to files that would make the common man blush or scream or drive to the Zakim and leap off its mighty edge. Here, I have decided to risk my life or at the very least good taste by revealing some of the most blatant examples:
1960 Red Sox Bug Vistor’s Clubhouse: Desiring the ultimate coda to Ted Williams’ illustrious career, Red Sox ownership (or specifically, Tom Yawkey), cooked up an elaborate scheme to ensure a pennant. This somehow involved discreetly recording conversations in the visiting team’s clubhouse. Unfortunately, recording technology was not nearly as sophisticated as it is today, and the total yield from a season’s worth of taping was Brooks Robinson telling the clubhouse attendant “don’t fuck with my oatmeal.”
1978 Red Sox Complicit in Mind-Erasing Scheme: Although it is famously remembered as the “Bucky Dent game,” few fans recall that the Red Sox actually won the AL East Tie-Breaker. However, at the time, the very idea of the Red Sox vanquishing the Yankees would have upset the delicate time-space continuum, so MLB invoked its “turn back the clock” rule. Fans in the stands were sedated with “trick beef” (recipe classified) while a covert CIA van drove through Boston’s neighborhoods, cleverly disguised as representatives from Cablevision conducting “a brief survey about Cinemax” and reprogramming citizens to forget what they’d just witnessed on their TVs. For allowing this to happen (ie, not “blowing the whistle”), the Red Sox were allowed to maintain their mantle of Professional Baseball Team Most Deserving Of Our Sympathy while Dent was eternally enshrined for something other than having the worst fucking nickname in sports.
2001 Red Sox Turn to Robots: It is widely understood today that Craig Grebeck was an android.
2011 Red Sox Summon The Bedard: In 2011, the Red Sox realized right around the All-Star break that they needed help. Even though the team had racked up two World Series titles in the previous seven years, the appetite for winning was officially insatiable and ownership made it clear they would stop at nothing to suckle the teat of victory once more. Several key team members were alleged to have formed an illegal “summoning circle” to bring them pitching help. Three days later, Erik Bedard appeared in the clubhouse, clutching a roast beef sub and asking where the men’s room was. Erik proceeded to go 1-2 down the stretch for the Sox. Summoning circles were never used again. Teats remained unsuckled.
2004 Red Sox: Abe Alvarez never existed and you can’t convince me otherwise.
2012 Red Sox Use Common Magic Markers to Influence Games: Widely-known to “baseball insiders,” Adrian Gonzalez’s eyebrows were drawn on with a Sharpie before each game by a clubhouse attendant. On days he wanted to intimidate a pitcher, Adrian would tip the kid five bucks to make his eyebrows “extra angry.”
2013 ALCS David Ortiz Gran Slam Never Happened: What if I told you that the most memorable moment of David Ortiz’s insanely fantastic career was… a hoax? Few people know that Papi’s grand slam home run that helped the Red Sox pole-vault the Tigers in the ALCS was the result of Hollywood-caliber special effects. The footage of Torii Hunter flipping over Fenway’s bullpen fence in pursuit of Ortiz’s home run had actually been recorded for an XBox commercial that never came to pass, but the footage was so incredible that the Red Sox were determined to find a use for it. With the Red Sox facing the prospect of being 0-2 in the ALCS, John Henry “made some calls” to “make things happen.” Reportedly the only people privy to the truth (Ortiz popped out weakly to first) were in Fenway Park that night and all were gaslighted into believing that Ortiz went yard with the promise of free Fenway Franks for life.
2020 Red Sox: You didn’t hear it from me, but my sources confirm that Ryan Brasier is being fitted for a metal arm.