Tonight, Justin Masterson has the unenviable task of following up The Jon Lester Power Hour (see post below). But I’m quite confident that tonight’s game will hold just as much pomp and circumstance for all in attendance.

Why am I so certain? Because a couple friends invited me to join them at the game tonight–on a free ticket, no less–and, due to a prior commitment, I was unable to accept. So the Gods of Baseball (a division of GAMMONS, Inc.) will no doubt seek to punish me by unleashing a torrent of good tidings and shoulda-been-there moments all over Fenway Park.

That means those of you who will be in attendance have the following bits of awesome to look forward to:

A Masterson no-no.

Manny’s 499th and 500th home run.

John Henry inaugurating “Free one-hundred dollar bills” night at the ballpark.

One-night only three-for-one specials at the beer stand.

Hazel Mae hosting a pre-game episode of “Great Moments in Red Sox History and Why Don’t I Try Out Some of My Pole-Dancing Maneuvers For All of You” on the field.

“Special Guests” U2 and the Rolling Stones hitting the field during the seventh-inning stretch to belt out “God Bless America” with the ghosts of Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix on guitar.

Mike Timlin killing a runaway bull with a crossbow.

A “Get Your Picture Taken With Carl Yastrzemski, Fred Lynn, Carlton Fisk, Harvey Keitel, Josh Beckett and Leeann Tweeden” photo booth.

Heidi Watney barricading the doors of the park and refusing to let anyone exit until she’s “serviced every red-headed blogger in the house.”

Absolutely no chance of running into me.