2004 ALCS, Game 4
Fenway Park, Boston

Headwarmer: I don’t like the looks of this. We should have finished these guys off in the ninth.

Cashman: Stop it. Don’t say that. Positive vibes.

Headwarmer: Extra innings don’t bode well for us. I worry about the ‘pen.

Cashman: Look, we’re one game away from finshing them off. If it doesn’t happen today, it’s happening tomorrow. So would you just shut the f–k up?

Headwarmer: Sure. Whatever. Just grab me another Amstel.

Cashman: You’ve already had eight. That’s your limit. Remember what happened at Aunt Dora’s retirement party? She still has scars from those barbecue tongs.

Headwarmer: An honest mistake. But seriously, another beer, please.

Cashman: You’re all done.

Headwarmer: Okay, then. Let’s just hope that some day I don’t accidentally simultaneously constrict every fiber of my being until the oxygen supply to your brain is depleted, leaving you a babbling, incoherent lump who isn’t fit to stuff “whoopee pies,” let alone serve as General Manager to baseball’s richest team.

Cashman [rifling through his wallet]: That was one Amstel?

Headwarmer: It was one. But now it’s two, Chimpy.

Lincoln Tunnel, NY
Driving Home After Game 7, ALCS

Cashman: I’m f–ked. F–ked.

Headwarmer: Hey, put on that “Best of Starship” CD.

Cashman: Are you kidding me? This is serious. We just suffered the worst choke in team history. How can you think of music now? Especially Starship?

Headwarmer: Look, Bri, I’m just a headwarmer. I can only do so much. Keep your ears from getting frostbitten. Protect your sensitive forehead from that icy Northeastern wind. But scoring runs? Actually getting people out? That’s the job of those sadsack millionaires you’ve populated the clubhouse with.

Cashman: You’re right, you’re right. Gotta find a scapegoat, though. Always keep one person between yourself and disaster.

Headwarmer: That’s good. Now while you’re taxing your brain trying to find your bogeyman, howzabout putting on the f–king Starship CD?

Cashman [fumbling with CD while muttering to himself]: A-Rod? Giambi? Maybe Brown…

Headwarmer [singing]: We built this city… we built this city on rock and roll…

“I Love New York” Benefit Gala
November 15, 2004

Cashman [looking around the ballroom]: Where’s my headwarmer? Where did I put my headwarmer?

Headwarmer: God, no. Please. Just leave me be. Don’t…

Cashman: Has anyone seen my headwarmer? I left it on a chair at the bar.

Headwarmer: Dude, just let it go. Get back to your conversation. PLEASE.

Cashman [to Jennifer Garner]: Excuse me, miss. You’re sitting on my headwarmer.

Jennifer Garner: Oh, sorry. [Gets up, hands him the headwarmer].

Headwarmer: You MOTHERF–KER!