The two-fisted approach to Lackey starts

And I mean that in an “as-a-starting-pitcher” kinda way.

I’m starting with these two. Then, if the third worst team in the AL roughs him up, I’ll move to the harder stuff. I’m talking whiskey, coke, Viking porn.

It’s the kind of game I shouldn’t have to worry about. But I worry, John Lackey. I worry. And I beg you to prove me wrong. To make me a believer. To make me grab any co-worker who speaks ill of you by the lapels and shout, “Don’t you f$%king EVER say that about John Lackey. Not in MY house, motherflipper.”

And of course, it won’t actually be my house. It’d be the office. But still.

Just win. Like Dewey said. Just win.