NESN Presents “Mike Timlin: Freelance Assassin”

Sunday Morning, Fenway Park.

So. What’s the plan for Lackey?

I think we’re gonna keep him on a tight pitch count today. Short leash. Help him get that arm strength back.

Right. So… lead pipe to the groin?

Huh?

I’m just trying to think of the best way to take him out. The lead pipe is classic: quick and relatively painful. Shows him we mean business, if you catch what I’m saying.

Not so sure I do, Mike.

I’ve got other options. This human-sized trunk, for example. The one-way airholes allow him to breathe–for a while–yet prevent any of his blood-curdling and very likely girlish screams from getting out.

Is… is that a crossbow?

Let’s just say that if he’s “fleet of foot,” Old Nelly here will take him down.

I appreciate your constant offers to “help out” with players on the DL, but…

Now. This plate of muffins. Looks normal, yes. But each one laced with enough horse tranquilizer to…

Mike, I have to be honest. Your measures have been getting a little. How do I put this. Extreme.

Que?

I get the impression that you really want to hurt John Lackey.

No more than he wants to hurt this team. Look at his performance this season and tell me we’re not all better off with him waking up chained to a sewage pipe in Honduras.

Tell you what. Why don’t we give him a few innings and see what he’s got before we go shipping him off.

You’re in charge. The pussy-hands approach is fine with me.

Sunday afternoon, Fenway Park, top of the fourth.

He’s scuffling out there. I’ve got this sports drink laced with cyanide that–

Let me go right to the source, first. John, how you feeling?

Like that Rocky film in which Sylvester Stallone picked a fight with the ocean. That is to say, there is a challenge ahead, but I’m prepared to face it.

Then it’s settled. I’m sorry, Mike, but we won’t be needing your help today.

Hey, anyone see the Gatorade jug?

On second thought.

* * * * * * * *

Joking aside, kudos to Lackey for towing the company line (coupla hit batsmen) and not throwing yesterday’s offensive outburst in the crapper. Off day today, then off to NYC for the Battle for First Place.