I suppose you’re wondering why I brought you here.

I’ll admit, when those guys in the masks got out of the van, shot me in the ass with a tranquilizer dart and threw me in a burlap sack, I became somewhat curious.

Thing is, when you signed with the Sox, you not only became part of one of the most storied franchises in all of baseball, you also gained entry to.. the League of Carls.

Say what.

You see, believe it or not, you’re the first Red Sox player since my retirement in the early 80s to have the first name “Carl.” That’s a heavy burden of responsibility.

It is?

Correct. Think I just sit around polishing my Triple Crown trophy and crank calling Steve Dillard? I’ve been counting the years, the days, the hours until another Carl came along. And now that you’re here, my lad, I just need to ask a few questions to ensure that you’re Carlish enough to assume the mantle.

Wait, wasn’t there another Carl who played for the Sox a few years back?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Naw, I remember. The guy who talked about dinosaurs… what was his name?

Don’t. Don’t speak it.

Wait, I remember… it was Carl Everett!

Oh no.

::With a “bammf” and a cloud of smoke, he appears::

Damn skippy! We ain’t having no meeting of the League of Carls without me.

Alright, but we don’t want any trouble.

Trouble? Goddam, man, if it wasn’t for me, you’d be flippin’ on ESPN Classic every night to see replays of Mike Mussina’s perfect game at Fenway Park. If you think about it, I helped pave the way for the 2004 ALCS victory.

I’ll give you the Mussina thing, but–

I also invented the onion. And the slide trombone.

Sigh. I guess I’ll have to order a third turkey sub now. And get another chair.

Also, the Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show was loosely based on a dream I had after eating excessive amounts of pineapple. This Powerpoint I put together explains it… ::starts setting up projector::

So there’s just three of us, huh? That’s not a lot.

It could be worse. There are some Leagues far more exclusive than the League of Carls. And I’ve seen some questionable methods employed to improve membership…

::Meanwhile, across town::

You realize my name’s not really Carlton? And that I have absolutely nothing to do with baseball… plus, the police are probably looking for me at this very–

Shut up. This meeting of the League of Carltons has come to order. And we don’t pause for shit from newbies. ::Whacks him in the berries with a pliers::


Now where were we? Oh, yes. the 75 World Series, game six. Let’s go to the tape.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Also: Tonight, you can have a good time and help fight cancer at Project Cupid’s Second Annual Charity Date Auction at Whiskey Park in the Park Plaza Hotel. All proceeds go to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute to fund research and raise awareness for pediatric leukemia. Amy, one of our SG commenters, has worked tirelessly to put together this event, and your patronage and support is greatly appreciated.

Lastly, if you have a spare moment, you can vote for SG as best Sox blog in TruFan’s New England Sports Blog Awards. We’ve hired John Lithgow to personally hug everyone who votes for us. So party on.