Steroids? Denton, come on. The Captain is having a kick-ass season thus far — putting up numbers we long since assumed to be out of the grasp of his thick digits — and you want to shit on the parade by dropping the S word? Unthinkable.
In fact, I have a far more plausible explanation for Tek’s sudden outburst of awesomeness. Clearly, the guy was subjected to a dose of gamma radiation, similar to that which turned Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk. This most likely happened during the off-season, when gamma radiation incidents occur with greater frequency. He was probably strolling past the local atomic testing site, spied a couple innocent kids or perhaps a few transients milling around, and rushed in to try to save them before the test device was detonated. As is typically the case with these situations, he likely saved the kids, but was inadvertently subjected to a harmful dose of gamma rays. So now, whenever he becomes angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs, and he knocks balls out of yards with the ease with which you or I down a Fenway Frank.
And it’s not like he’s hurting for things to be angry about. Last year, he was everybody’s favorite chew toy, the guy who never met a rally he couldn’t kill with a strike-out or GIDP. I can imagine he spent the better part of the offseason tearing up all the negative reviews and frying them up with his hamsteaks, working the dumbbells, struggling to put his divorce in the rear-view, and swearing that he’d have his revenge–on all of us.
Even more convincing, as commenter Sox on the Beach and several others noted after Denton’s post, is the theory that Tek’s power surge is the result of a hearty helpin’ of Vitamin Heidi, a mere drop of which could power Manhattan (and was likely a key ingredient of the super-serum that transformed Steve Rogers into Captain America).
The Large Father is down and we’re not sure he’ll ever pull himself back up. But Tek is picking up the slack, making things happen, and working furiously to wipe away those sad-ass memories of last season. Why try to kick him in the onions with this sort of talk?
But have at it, if you will. I’m far too busy toasting The Captain’s heroics from this afternoon’s game.
