I haven’t eaten Wheaties in ten years. Not since the great “Wheaties Scandal” of 1997, in which unauthorized photos of a scantily clad Bob Newhart were found in select boxes of the stuff throughout the mid-west. But since you slapped Commander Kick Ass of the F@#k Yeah Brigade on the front of your packaging, I can’t stop buying it. And after a couple Red Bulls, it’s almost like I’m actually enjoying a nutritious breakfast.
It’s Marketing 101, people: Put a Red Sox player’s mug on your product, it’s gonna sell. If a company sold dead bunnies, for example, I can’t see a lot of sales. But get a picture of Mike Timlin on the box, maybe with a fancy word balloon saying, “Folks, I’m Mike Timlin. And this here’s a box with dead bunnies in it”? Ka-ching! Women get upset that their boyfriends and husbands are too embarassed to buy feminine products at the local convenience store? A well-placed photo of Dustin Pedroia on the box will cure that.
If you fine folks at General Mills filled these Wheaties boxes with marbles and glass shards, they’d still have a place at my table. So long as I can have breakfast with Beckett — and that no nonsense, “You-eat-this-f@#kin’-cereal-or-I’ll-come-out-there-and-kick-your-balls-through-your-spleen” look on his face — I’m a happy camper.
Tomorrow Night: Stop frosting the comforter and head to TT The Bear’s, where Hot Stove Cool Music mainstays and all-around cool guys Buffalo Tom will be playing for a mere $15. It’s a good cause, with the show benefitting longtime TT’s bartender Jeanne, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. And word is BT will hit the stage late, as in after-the-Pats-game late. There’s also another benefit show there tonight, with the Gravel Pit and Jules Verdone. Make it so!
