Listen. Sox Appeal seems like an interesting idea. But, honestly, I don’t need to sit and watch a half-hour’s worth of desperate attempts to get laid. Hell, I get enough of that in my own goddam life. That said, I do applaud your forays into original programming. So I respectfully pitch the following show concepts which, I can assure you, would lure not only advertisers but also that all-important “youth” demographic. Call me and we’ll discuss, k?

“Youk & Lowell: Cops With Beards!”
This one’s a no-brainer. Lowell’s the wizened, veteran cop who likes to do things by the book. Youk’s his rookie partner with an itchy trigger finger. To be filmed mainly around Dunkin Donuts in Brighton and the BU sorority houses, ’cause there’ll be plenty of f–king. I’ve even included a sample scene you can feel free to steal:


Youkilis! Lowell! Get your asses in here!


Yeah, Sarge?


Hi!


Didn’t I tell you two to lay off the Tandini case? Didn’t I?


Yes, sir, but–


And didn’t I tell you that if I caught either of you two lunk-asses drinking on the job again, you’d be on a southbound train to Shitsville?


Well, you did, sir. But–


And didn’t I say whatever the f–k you do, don’t get caught setting off twenty metric tons of explosives in Boston Harbor just to impress some hookers.


I have an explanation, sir, and it’s–


I oughta run you two out of here on a rail. But instead, I’m giving you both promotions! Now get the hell outta my office.


Well, that’s that. Time to get shit-tay! ::starts doing obnoxious “white-guy” dance as audience applauds:: [NOTE: I see this catch-phrase becoming a “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis” for a new generation. T-shirts, coffee mugs, telescopes… the sky’s the limit.]

“What’s in Julian’s Pockets?”
Game shows are back in vogue, and this one’s a doozy. Our Man Jools and film crew will show up unexpectedly at various “hot spots” around the city (ie, Avalon, Ned Devines, the White Hen Pantry on Blue Street in Chelsea) and ask unsuspecting citizens to guess what Jools might be carrying in his pockets. Of course, Jools won’t actually be wearing pants through any of this, but that will hopefully bring some added “spontenaiety.”

“Go, Mike Timlin’s Neighborhood Defense Youth Squad, Go!”
A Saturday morning show for kids, featuring Timlin’s proven tips for keeping neighborhoods free of rabid squirrels, Communists, and the Giambi brothers. Other valuable lessons include “sometimes it’s okay to punch a friend in the gut,” “building a shit-ass lemonade stand vs. owning and operating your own neighborhood NRA recruitment station” and “I swear by God and Sonny Jesus if you mention this family’s finances one more time I will rip out your still beating heart and soak it with my urine.” Also, cartoons.

“Dwight Evans, OB-GYN”
Pretty self-explanatory. Set in a quiet Vermont town. Co-starring a talking bird and a robot.