It’s true. Red has left the building on one of his frequent “business trips” to parts unknown. He claims Florida, where the winter meetings start today. Coincidence? Maybe. Anyway, since he left me the keys to the candy store, get ready for a week of Denton-style hijinks.

Let’s start with hot chicks. Surprised I’d go there? Red can have Gwen Stefani, Tina Cervasio and the girl from Blossom. I’ve always been a JLH stalker. I liked her “girl next door” character on Party of Five, and the wet t-shirt scenes in her “Last Summer” flicks weren’t too hard on the eyes. Other than that, I have no idea what she’s been in and can’t find the motivation to watch her Ghost Whisperer show.

Challenging JLH to be the object of my affection is Rachel McAdams. Loved her in Wedding Crashers and she was good as the bitchy sister in Family Stone. That movie, coincidentally, had a former flame of mine in it: Sarah Jessica Parker. We were an item for years until my daughter pointed out that she has “man hands” and killed it for me.

Hopefully we’ll have some baseball news coming out of the winter meetings soon. A Manny trade or a JD Drew signing? Otherwise, you have my in-depth discussions on window treatments and a behind-the-scenes look at the Swedish steel industry to look forward to.

Keep your eyes on the out-of-town police logs. If there is a story about a 250-pound red-haired guy found sans pantalones and wearing Kiss make-up, well, you know who it is.