I’ve been thinking.

Uh oh.

You know how Hideki Matsui is one of the pre-eminent collectors of Japanese pornography?

I’ve heard his collection is quite extensive. Apparently he’s pretty proud of it.

You ever see some of that Japanese porn? Women in Sailor Moon costumes and schoolgirl outfits.

That’s it?

Well, sometimes there’s a horse, but mostly they stick to the schoolgirl-superheroine theme.

Okay. So they’ve cornered the market on manga porn. What’s your point?

You know how the mind of a porno fiend works. That stuff plays in your head 24/7. It doesn’t stop when you shut off the tape or DVD.

So… even when Matsui’s in the outfield, watching David Ortiz about to launch a moonshot sixteen miles over his head… he’s really thinking about Japanese schoolgirl porn?

Exactly. Now what we, as Red Sox fans, have to do, is discover a way to use this to our advantage. Cause a little distraction to mess with the guy’s mojo.

So you want porn on the jumbotron?

That’s a start. But I was thinking more of designated seating for attractive BU girls. Put ’em all in these tight Sailor Moon costumes and seat them along the left field corner and you’ll turn Matsui into the Merry Woodsman for nine innings. Guy wouldn’t be able to focus enough catch a soft lob from Bea Arthur let alone a shrieking line drive off Manny’s bat.

You do realize Matsui’s probably done for the year anyway?

Don’t mess with the dream, man.

::Meanwhile, outside the store::

Oh, look who it is. The f–kin’ human vaccuum.

Scumbag. What are you doing?

Hangin’ with Silent Bob and his cousin.

He’s your cousin?


Yeah, and he’s from Russia, too.

What part of Russia?

I don’t f–kin’ know. Olaf, what part of Russia you from?


Is he staying here?

Naw, he’s moving to the big city this week. He wants to be a metal singer.

No way.

I swear. Olaf, metal!


That’s his f–kin’ metal face. You gotta hear him sing. Olaf, Berserker!


C’mon, man. Berserker!

Does he sing in English or Russian?

English. C’mon, man. Berserker! Hazel think sexy.

::singing:: My love for you is like a truck BERSERKER! Would you like some making f–k BERSERKER!

That’s f–kin’ funny, man.

Did he say “making f–k”?

How much longer we gonna let those wastoids hang outside the store before we call the cops?

Just be thankful that Millar guy’s not around anymore. I swear, if I saw his bare ass one more time…

Apologies to The Dugout and Kevin Smith.

* * * * * * * *

Here’s the original Berserker clip… but if you’re playing it at work keep the audio down.

Now. Regarding the Sox. If we can’t sweep the Royals — that’s the worst team in baseball Royals, thank you — with Schilling, Lester and Beckett on the hill, then I’d say we’re toast. Yes, toast. And not the good, crunchy, buttery kind, either. I know that both teams are made up of “professional ball players” and that to “discount” them is to “succumb” to the sort of “blind pride” that “dooms” “teams.” But, goddam, KC and Baltimore? If we’re serious about hauling our collective arses into the postseason, these are teams upon which we need to be unleashing unmerciful torrents of beatdown. This is the baseball foodchain, people, and I need to see Ortiz stuffing Ambiorix Burgos into an oversized sub roll.