1. New York Yankees: “I hate them too, but cannot ignore the potent bats, capable of offensive output so staggering it could engulf the entire world and make a desert of it. If it’s any consolation, in 2147 years, the site where Yankee Stadium currently sits will be my private steamroom.”

2. Boston Red Sox: “I am curious. Where will the hits come from? Surely the ones they call Manny and Ortiz are not capable of carrying an entire team. And as someone who has followed Mike Lowell’s career quite closely, I would recommend casting him to the Forbidden Zone as quickly as possible, before he can taint your crops and watershed.”

3. Baltimore Orioles: “No one expects much of them, and that’s just what they want. Plus, Jay Gibbons is a personal friend.”

4. Toronto Blue Jays: “Let me get this straight: The Jays pay half a bazillion dollars to Burnett, yet man is still considered Earth’s dominant creature? Oy vey. No matter. Like most humans, Burnett and Halladay will succumb to their inherent weaknesses and fail to support their teammates. And a hex upon the cursed Rogers Centre security, who have shut off myself and Cornelius far too many times.”

5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: “Are you f–king kidding me? These tools are going nowhere.”