We’ve spent enough time speculating on the “what ifs” of the 2006 Red Sox club. Only the games will tell the story. So let’s take a minute to look at the potential issues for the pinstripes. Thanks only to Robinson Cano, the average age of the Yankee line-up is 32. While George is predicting another ring, I don’t quite see it happening…
1) Johnny Damon Age:32
Damon goes into a two-month slump following the devastating break-up with Michelle. Reasons for the split were “irreconcilable differences” and “not enough hair.” Michelle has been seen in several New York clubs and after-hours parties with Dan Haggerty.
2) Derek Jeter Age:32
In a stunning Barbara Walters interview, Jeter admits he is actually the love child of George Steinbrenner and Charo. Jeter and Charo are currently producing, directing and starring in “Love Boat: The Motion Picture.”
3) Alex Rodriguez Age:30
A-Rod kicks down the door to June with a league-leading 19 home runs. Incredibly, all 19 were hit with the Yankees holding at least a 4-run lead. He blasts number 20 off of Tim Wakefield on ESPN’s Monday Night Baseball. Wake beans him with a 53 MPH knuckler his next at-bat. A-Rod heads to the mound, thinking someone who hasn’t previously kicked his ass is behind the plate. When Varitek rips off his mask (yes, you Yankee tools, rips off his mask), A-Rod’s face pales, highlighting his blue lip gloss. And with speed not seen since his 46 steals in ’98, he heads for the hills. His trail of urine ends at Grand Central Station, and he hasn’t been seen since.
4) Jason Giambi Age:35
Giambi tests positive – but not for steroids or greenies – for Estrogen. As he is led away by his posse, he repeatedly yells “It places the lotion in the basket! It places the lotion in the basket!”
5) Gary Sheffield Age:37
Sheffield is on his way to a career year and possible triple crown – on pace for 50 home runs, 150 RBI and a .361 batting average. When he is called out on a close 3-2 pitch, he inexplicably turns and beats umpire Joe West to death with his bat. He is currently serving 15-20 in state prison and in a civil union with mass-murderer “Mucko.”
6) Hideki Matsui Age:32
Matsui is replaced mid-season after suffering an off-field injury to his wrist. Doctors are mystified, unable to agree on a diagnosis. Wrist specialist and personal physician to Pee Wee Herman, Slick Johnson, finally determines the injury to be “Buffer’s Cramp.” Sources deny allegations that the injury was related to Matsui’s recent shipment of “I’m a Jenny Craig Failure” porn movies.
7) Jorge Posada Age:34
Posada struggles for the first half of the season. He requests, and is granted, extra time off at the All-Star break to get the chin implant he’s been saving for his whole career. He retires from baseball to become a Jay Leno impersonator following the surgery.
8) Robinson Cano Age:23
Disgusted by the antics of his teammates, Cano retires at the end of the season and follows his dream of becoming the world’s most famous television chef. Move over Emeril!
9) Bernie Williams Age:37
After finishing April with an OBP of .000, Williams calls it quits with the Yankees and dedicates himself to his music. He is now found playing guitar in a Bay City Rollers tribute band.