Mr. Roper: Oh, surrrrrre. They’ll do just fine, those Red Sox. With their long hair and their cute uniforms. And those little caps. You know what I’m talking about.
Willy Loman: That Schilling can really throw a ball. Not like my boy Biff, though. He’s got a ferocious cutter. All the scouts are after him. But I told him to stay in school. Get an education first. Then we’re gonna start that father-and-son business we’ve always dreamed of, selling urine-based sports drinks.
Smokey Bear: To be honest, so long as they stay out of the forest and don’t start any fires, I don’t give a shit what they do. Heh heh. Seriously, though, I bet they’ll win… oh… one hundred games.
Darth Vader: Unless they embrace the dark side, they are doomed to burn like the fiery Moons of Yavin. I do like that Bellhorn chap, though.
Hamlet: O that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter! O God! O God!
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Also: Renteria in the two hole?
Now that’s some sack, Tito.
Curious George: Right. As if I could even get over to Fenway to take in a game. Not with that a-hole in the Yellow Hat around. I’m all, “Dude, let’s go to the game.” And he’s all, “George, they don’t let monkeys into the ballpark.” So, yeah, I’m gonna cap him.
Ricky Roma: Myself, I’m looking to move a block of tickets. Maybe you’d like to buy them, maybe not. They’re in, uh, section 84. Nice view of the waterfall and mechanical dinosaur. And there’s a ham buffet with David Ortiz.
Humbert Humbert: I like what they’ve done with the bench, although I wiHOLY F–K CHECK OUT THAT TWELVE YEAR OLD IN THE SKIRT.
Tim McCarver: The Yankees have so much heart and soul, and with a guy like Torre at the helm, you really have to believe that they’re gonna — um, you people realize I’m a real person, right?
Dr. Zaius: Why should I predict a future for any man? Man is savage. He is impractical. He makes war on his brother. He turns his cities into wastelands. For f–k’s sake, people, just look at Life on a Stick. Humans totally blow.
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Also, thanks to Matthew, who attended yesterday’s game against the Orioles and submits for us the following photo. Your guess is as good as mine, folks.
