The Great Gatsby
Chapter Four

Nick Carraway: So, Gatsby, I hear you’re from the Midwest.

Gatsby: That’s right.

Nick: Whereabouts?

Gatsby: San Francisco.

Nick: I see…

Millar: San Fran? Did you get out to SBC much?

Gatsby: Er… who are you?

Millar [extending hand]: Kevin Millar. First base. World Champion Boston Red Sox. And this is one hell of a party, Mr. Gaston.

Gatsby: Gatsby.

Millar: Whatever. [shakes empty beer bottle] Any more of these? I’ve gone dry here.

Gatsby: [Looks around nervously] I’m… not sure.

Millar: [produces small cooler] S’alright. I always bring my own, actually. Along with a couple meat sandwiches. So give me the lowdown on these chicks. What’s up with legs over there?

Gatsby: Eh… that’s Jordan Baker. The golfer.

Millar: Hot damn. I’d let her handle my nine iron. Not a euphemism, by the way.

Gatsby: I really should mill around a bit, I–

Millar: Can you put in a word for me? Tell her I’m into puppies, Beethoven and threesomes. Oh, and that I once ate a bookcase to win a bet. Chicks seem to like that story.

Gatsby: Look, chap, who exactly invited you here?

Millar: You did.

Gatsby: But I don’t even know you.

Millar: Aw hell, I’m totally lyin’. I heard the music and just kinda crawled in through the bathroom window.

Gatsby: You should probably leave, then.

Millar: Will do. Oh, and I dipped my balls in the punch. Just so you know.

* * * * * *

The Red Badge of Courage
by Stephen Crane

Lieutenant: Soldiers, I won’t lie to you. There’s been a lot of ill talk. They say the men of the 304th fight like mule drivers. So I’ve got a plan to restablish ourselves as credible soldiers. First, we’ll charge the hill. Then–

Millar: Okay, hold on a sec. I’ve got a plan, too.

Lieutenant: What the? I’m giving orders.

Millar: Now, I like your deal with the hill charging and all that, but I was thinking. What if some of us stayed behind and kinda, y’know, rocked out?

Lieutenant: “Rocked out”?

Millar: [gets up, starts dancing, flailing arms madly] You know… dook dook dook.

Lieutenant: [cocks gun].

* * * * * *

The Odyssey
by Homer

Odysseus: Tomorrow, we set sail for Crete, to engage the Minotaur!

Millar: The Mino-what?

Odysseus: The half-man, half-bull beast that has terrorized my homeland.

Millar: Half-man, half-bull?

Odysseus: With large, deadly horns and pointed hooves.

Millar: Deadly horns? Hooves? Aw, f–k that noise, man. Wake me when ya get back.

Odysseus: But… you’re a part of this crew.

Millar: Look, I went in on that cyclops deal and almost got my ass chewed off. Call your buddy Zeus and tell him to wave his arms and zap the motherf–ker. I got no time for it.

Odysseus: You disappoint me, oh blonde one.

Millar: That’s life, buddy. [Grabs The Sporting News.] I’ll be in the can.