Just a police escort away!

The latest Red Sox player to go down — and not in a good way — is Jason Varitek, who has landed on the DL with a broken foot. He joins Manny Delcarmen, or, as I shall call him going forward, Manny Delcareyouf#$kingkiddingme, who came down with a bad case of suck.

With Vic Martinez also sidelined, the Sox signed old pal Kevin Cash to help out behind the plate. To which we have to ask, what, was Dougie Mirabelli not available? Just look at that handsome bastard. You’re telling me we can’t track his ass down and get another magic police motorcade going for old time’s sake? I’m sure Timmy Wakefield can tell you his whereabouts. Just look wherever there’s cheap beer and hookers and danger.

As of this writing, DeMarlo Hale is perfectly healthy. To the best of our knowledge.