Eight Ways the Fenway Park Experience Could Be Changed to Better Reflect the Team’s Current State of Play

Replace “Sweet Caroline” with Tom Waits’ “Earth Died Screaming.”

Allow fans out of the Park during the seventh inning stretch so that they can slam their car doors on their nuts, then file back inside for the eighth.

Wally the Green Monster stops by your seat to wave, pose for photos, and pull every hair out of your arm with a tweezers.

“Ladies and gentlemen… Dane Cook!”

Ten fans selected randomly to watch the last four innings waist-deep in yogurt.

Those “hammers with legs” things from “Pink Floyd’s The Wall” set loose on the field between innings.

Goodyear blimp dispenses mist made from water used to boil last night’s Fenway Franks over the crowd.

“I’m Tim McCarver. And I’ll be broadcasting tonight’s game from your lap.”