The Mother from “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Dabney Coleman
Stephen J. Hawking
Art Garfunkle
Ivan Calderon (dead, I know, but still)
Murray from “The Wiggles”
A lizard
Rip Taylor (bonus: his ability to blind a catcher with confetti can prove valuable with runners on)
Pietro, the gardener at my Aunt Netty’s apartment complex
Casey Kasem
My office chair
Bob from Bob’s Discount Furniture
The letter “M”
The tenor section of the Indianapolis All-Atheist Choir
Tina Cervasio
Any I missed? Put ’em in the comments section.
Honestly, after watching The Loogie strike out yesterday in the eighth with two men on — after working the goddam count to 3-0 — and then have the audacity to look like a guy who just got shortchanged at McDonalds when Tito sat him in favor of Cora a few innings later, I officially reached the end of The Julio Lugo Help-A-Guy-Out-When-He’s-Down grace period.
In fact, right now, the only thing that would make me feel truly good about the guy would be if he called a press conference to explain to us, the tax-paying citizens of Red Sox Nation, that he’s been dating Jessica Biel. And that Jessica has been wringing his head between her thighs like a goddam wetmop for the past several months to the point that he’s been unable to focus on anything else. In my eyes, that’s pretty much the only acceptable reason for his performance.
On the bright side, after a nutbusting road trip, we still hold that nine-game lead. And we’ve got two of the AL’s worst coming to our house. So drinks all around, people. Drinks all around.
