[Yankees HQ, Bronx, NY]

Secretary: Can I help you?

Bellhorn: Yes. Mark Bellhorn. Former Red Sox second baseman. I just got signed here.

Secretary: Great. Let me get your orientation schedule. [Fishes through some files.] Okay, here it is. At nine o’clock it’s “Breakfast with Reggie.” This is where you get to meet Reggie Jackson and talk about the Yankee mystique.

Bellhorn: Okay…

Secretary: Yeah, you get to tour the Stadium on his rickshaw and then he reenacts some of his most famous home runs down on the field. Then there’s a performance by the Reggie Jackson Dancers. It’s actually very cool. Also, there could be a Reggie Bar involved.

Bellhorn: Great.

Secretary: [Reads from list.] Let’s see. Oh, then it’s “Sauna Time with Yogi Berra.” That’s in the training room. Pretty straightforward, y’know? He’ll talk about his playing days and tell a lot of those “Yogi-isms.” I will warn you that he’s decidedly “anti-towel.” Just so you know.

Bellhorn: [Taking notes.] Okay.

Secretary: Alright, at noon, you get “How a Yankee Snacks.” This is an overview of what’s considered appropriate diet. Things like protein shakes, jerky, low-glycemic carbs, human growth hormone, WD-40, turkey burgers.

Bellhorn: [Still scribbling; nods.]

Secretary: Because you’re a former Red Sox, you’ll have to go through “Unfriendly Fenway.” This is how we prepare you for the sight of thousands of contractors from Southie hanging their asses over the wall when you come up to bat. Sort of a deprogramming.

Bellhorn: [Scribbling.] Right. Southie.

Secretary: The next few hours are activities. “Make Your Own Rootbeer Floats with Tanyon Sturtze.” “Scrapbooking with Mariano Rivera.” “Introduction to Manga and Schoolgirl Porn with Hideki Matsui.” “Spelunking with Felix Escalona.”

Bellhorn: Great.

Secretary: Lastly, you get to meet the big guy. That’s Mr. Steinbrenner. He’ll give you the official Yankee greeting, help you make some cool things out of felt, and let you pick a parking space. Most of them are within a subway ride to the Stadium.

Bellhorn: Is that it?

Secretary: Actually, yes. All you need to do is head down to the clubhouse and get your uniform, then report for your haircut. The Thurman Munson B-3000 Robot with escort you.

Thurman Munson B-3000 Robot: Wzzzzzzz. Right this way, sir.

Bellhorn: Er, haircut? [Unconsciously runs his hands through his hair.]

Secretary: Well, yes, sugar. The Yankees have very strict guidelines where grooming is concerned. But don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.

Bellhorn: [Thinks for a minute, then points out window] Hey, look. It’s Dave Winfield!

Secretary: Mister Winfield!? Where? [Heads to window as Bellhorn turns and runs down hall.]


In other news, Wells’ suspension was upheld, triggering what may have been one of the greatest and most surrealpress conferences ever held at Fenway. Seriously, you can keep your DVD of the ring ceremony. Please. Instead, gimme Wells’ entire speech to the media, anti-Selig tirade and all, including this gem:

“I can’t wait to win the World Series and have Bud Selig come up there [with the trophy]. I really can’t. Who knows what will come out then.”

Dude’s threatening the Commish. The day his suspension is upheld. Mess not with his cake!

And as far as the scenario Wells paints? Oh god, please let it happen. And let the cameras be rolling.

As if there weren’t enough reasons for wanting the Sox to repeat…